The Son of Satan

As I've said before it's SO rare that I get asked out in a 'normal' situation, which is why I've relied on the Internet.  But this one week day evening just over a month ago a man got on my tube who I saw 'clock me' and I thought, 'Not bad, in a Sting kinda way'.  He was definitely older, dressed in black skinny-ish jeans (not the emo kind), smart black shoes and a t-shirt with a blazer.  Anyway the seat next to me became free and he sat down.  

I noticed out the corner of my eye he kept glancing at me.  I made sure I was sitting straight and not slouching half off the seat like a slob, and read my book.  When the train pulled into the final stop we both got off the train and as usual I did nothing and walked away (trying to be uber-sexy and not stack-it, in case he was watching of course).  Well it was more of a march really, I lost the ability to walk slow or stroll when I started working in London about 12 years ago.  Anyway like something out of movie he came running after me through the crowds and in a nutshell said he thought I looked lovely and could he take my number!!  Well bugger me sideways, I nearly fell backwards onto the tracks in shock.  I almost replied "You talkin' to me?"  Instead I blushed coyly and stepped aside out the way of the heard of commuting cattle.

I was so surprised and taken aback from being asked out by a complete stranger, he's got balls, I have to give him that!  I said "Yeah sure" and gave him my number.  I did a sly once-over while he wrote down my number and thought 'Okay, so maybe as he's older he won't be an emotional fuckwitt, he might actually know what he wants in a relationship and not mess me about'.

Anyway he asked what I was doing this evening, if I had no plans why not grab a drink now, no time like the present n' all that?  I know, The Rules (that stupid old dating book some crusty old virgin grannies wrote to stop their daughters and granddaughters having any fun or sex!) says never to accept a date unless you've about a month's notice and all that but I just thought 'Why not?  Beats spinning anyway'.  So I said not much and we decided to go for a drink.  


We went to one of my locals (I just love to shit on my doorstep), and got a drink.  When Jesus (that's clearly not his name, but it makes me laugh to call him that) and I sat down I had to ask what his tattoos showing out the bottom of him sleeves were all about.  I'm sure I spied 666 on one of them.

Jesus said "Do you want the long or short story?"  I said "How about an honest one?"  To which he said "So this is 666, my birthday is 6th June, 1966.  And these", he said indicating to butchers hooks in both his wrists "...are hooks attached to barbwire".  Shit, why didn't I see that!  I asked "Where does that stop then?" to which he replied "Well, it doesn't.  It goes up both arms and connects across my chest and shoulders.  And on my back is a naked woman bound to a cross.  You're okay with this aren't you?"  Why didn't I say "Course not, I'm off, don't follow me" and leg it?  What did he expect me to say to that?  "Sure" I replied, pulling a stupid 'Don't be silly' kinda face.

Anyway this guy then pulls out a pack of fags and says "Mind if we go out for a smoke?  It's been one of those days".  So we went outside and sat down, he said "So I feel I need to explain about the tattoos then.  I had a bit of a dark phase (you don't say), I was kicked out of the army, had a lot of knock backs in my life and was just generally very down.  I looked into my date of birth, did a lot of research into Satan and the devil and stuff... ya know... I was just interested in it all really.  Then someone suggested I express myself in tattoo art, so I thought I'd get it on my back.  I mean, it's really arty, looks really good...but I guess it can look a bit scary to some.  You're not one of those people that hates tattoos are you?"  I just shook my head, "Nah, but only if it's not offensive" I lied.  I mean, what I wanted to say was 'Oh sure, I'd love to be your girlfriend on a lovely beach somewhere when you take your top off and all the mothers run to cover their young children's eyes.  That thing sounds like it should be rated 18!'  Where do I find them?  

He also went on to explain that working as a fashion photographer he dabbled (a lot by the sounds of it) in drugs (the white kind) liked to go on all-weekend benders that would involve getting home from one club on a Sunday morning,showering and going back out to another and has a child with his ex wife (she also dabbles) sesh a couple of weeks ago, followed by "I really need a big night out again soon, you should come with me, I'll take you to here, here, here and here...."  Well that's three too many "here's" for me to keep up really.  I said that while I might have the occasional cigarette I couldn't date a smoker either as I'm a push-over and would just fall back into smoking full-time again.  He did the back-tracking thing again and said he only smoked when he was drinking, but someone who does that in my eyes doesn't carry a pack of 20 around in your work bag.


I told Jesus that I was really flattered he'd asked me out but I felt that he was changing what he was saying about himself to try and suit me more and that I didn't think we'd have much in common these days (I know, I was shocked I could be so honest face-to-face too) but he still insisted that his social life was less crazy than he was coming across.  He said that he had Faithless tickets in a few months time and would like to take me anyway.  Bless.  That's a kind offer, but I sent him a text a few days later saying I didn't think we should meet up again.  I didn't want to appear to be an ungrateful sod... face-to-face anyway!


Anyway... you thought that was the end.... nope.  Guess who was standing behind me on the platform and tapped me on the shoulder, the very next day...