Having returned from a huge holiday I've not been on any dates recently. Well, not that recently anyway. So in these dry times I'll share some corkers from dates gone by and this one springs to mind....
I met this guy online (no change there then), let's call him Richard to save his reputation. Anyway Richard was a Pap. Celebrity photographer. Professional Stalker. Whatever you wanna call it. He got paid tons of cash for catching celebs looking their worst at crappy times of their lives. One he liked to boast about on our date was catching Jade Goodie the day she found out her father died. That's nice! I now look back at this guy as a bottom feeder, and out him in the same group as the estate agent I dated! But that's another story.
So back to er... what was his name? Oh, Richard. Anyway, he suggested dinner and offered to drive over to my area and pick me up, which was nice. I didn't give him my house number but met him in the car park. He pulled up in an Audit TT (I'm thinking hairdresser!) But as I opened the door and the interior lit up I thought "Scher-winnnnnng". He was cute! We went on a lovely dinner date, we chatted loads but I started to think he was a little opinionated. I was an occasional smoker at the time, and he complained about a past date that lamped up at the table in front of him, I mean ew, as if!! This date was clearly before the smoking bad had hit England. I'd had a wee pack in my bag for later, oops. Anyway I thought "Ooh, best not mention my little part-time habit then", which he obviously missed on my profile!
After dinner, as it was quite late and he had a long drive back, he dropped me off and I let him walk to me to my door. At the door he leaned in for a snog, but as we were playing tonsil tennis he got a little carried away and launched for my neck! Aaaagh get off! Someone seemed to be getting a little excited, said the bump pressing on my thigh! Haha... Oh lordy, time to go then! I backed off and said goodnight and that I'd like to see him again soon and that was that. PHEW! After he'd left the vicinity I changed my top into something a little more slutty and grabbed my back and went out to meet a mate in town for a few more drinks and boogie.
In the week to follow Richard's texts were flowing thick and fast, with a surprise call during the day while I was at work (he must have been bored while stalking some D-lister!) he was seeming pretty keen.
One afternoon while at work I mentioned I was leaving early to go home for a family dinner. He'd already called me that day while at work anyway, but called again when he knew I was on the train home, and said at the end of the conversation "Call me when you get in tonight" to which I thought "er no". Had we not already spoken twice in one day and not even had date #2 yet? While at dinner at my Mums he'd text again, phone was on silent but I had no intention of replying or calling when I got in, like a dutiful wife!
The next day he was pretty rude in his text in the morning, and I'd explained that I was at a family dinner and was home late and didn't want to speak that late. Anyway he wasn't pleased so I called him at lunch time and said "Look, if this is going to work you need to slow down a bit, I'm not going to be calling you 3 times a day and texting all day long and checking in with you when I get home at night" to which he replied "You women are all the same, trying to change men!" I said "I'm not trying to change you, I'm saying that I don't go at warp speed, so if that's how you operate you'll need to find someone else". Well you can imagine how the call ended. He hung up on me in a sulk and that was the end of that. Another one bites the dust.
Well... later that day with too much time on his hands while sitting on his car stalking he sent me a photo text message of his flaccid penis on his lap and it said "On a hot day like this you need a Mr Softie!" I replied (well, I had to) and said "What part of "I don't think we should see each other again means please send me a picture of your penis?" and he replied "What makes you think it's mine?" I had to send back the obvious "Er, it's on your phone!!!"
I can understand sending a picture of something you're proud of, to someone you're in a relationship with, I'm sure we've all done it, but to someone who doesn't want to see you again? And, it really wasn't worth boasting about, it looked a little parched!
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