Sorry, I know I've been crap at writing lately. But we had Christmas, and New Year (I'll tell you more about that another time) and now I'm in training for a marathon so free time is rather scarce. But I have to tell you about this terrible date I had on Friday!
Nick and I had spent about a week emailing, then swapped numbers. His texts were very frequent. Some would be put off by "Thinking of you" and "Wish you were here" coming from a man they'd not met. Okay it's a little bit wet but I found it quite sweet and he clearly doesn't have an issue with staying in touch like others I've dated. If anything it just made it look like he was keen to meet someone and not on-line for a bit of fun.
The two phone calls we'd had were nice too. Nothing major, not two hours long putting the world to rights or anything but light hearted and nice. So needless to say I was looking forward to the date. I was 'slightly hopeful' and positive anyway.
I met him at the top of the road near a pub close to my work as I'd come from a work drinks beforehand which he knew I had to show my face at. I gave him a peck on the cheek and as we walked down the street (which was fecking freezing) he said straight away "So do I look like my pictures then?" I'd hardly looked at him as we were walking, and I was head-down to avoid mascara being streaked across my face and snotcicles forming on my nose but also, that question makes me cringe. I gave a nervous giggle and said that that question makes me embarrassed and you can't just blurt it out like that, and laughed. He laughed and said there was nothing wrong with it, we both laughed it off and I thought that was the end of that. I tried to ignore the quilted Barbour jacket and city-boy swagger he had, I put that down to nerves. I said that I'd already had a prosecco and a couple of vodkas at the work drinks so was feeling good.
Nick had mentioned two weeks ago that he'd like to take me to dinner, he didn't normally do dinner on the first date but he thought I was going to be something special. I said "So, where to, I'm starving?" He replied "Oh well I didn't have lunch until four so I thought just a drink, let's go in here" leading me into the first pub we came to. Not a nice pub either. Feeling a little dumbfounded I thought 'oh hello, someones changed his mind about dinner'.
At the bar looking at the drinks list I said "What are you drinking?" He said "I'm having wine, a Malbec", I said "Oooh nice choice, my favourite" To which he replied "Don't you think you've had enough for the moment?" Oh sorry, when did you become my mother? So I agreed and had a sparkling water instead and we went to sit at a table.
He sat there, back in his chair, legs akimbo, leaning on his elbow on the table and said to me "You're not really like you are in your texts". I said "Pardon?? How can you say that, you've only just met me?" He said "You're actually quite cold. (I thought, 'no love, I'm bloody freezing, but do carry on') You've been really friendly and funny in your texts and you're totally different now. I mean, I thought I'd skip dinner, I'd normally just have this one and go, let you get back to your party, not wanting to waste your night or anything". I nearly fell off my chair, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Since when was it okay to slam your date in the first ten minutes of meeting, allowing for nerves, not allowing them to warm to you!!?? I got up and went and sat on the radiator and said "Maybe this will help, because you're not!". He said "Seriously though, you're coming across really cold and I wouldn't want to spend dinner with someone who I won't want to meet again". I said "You'd made your mind up before we even got to this pub! How can you judge so quickly?" He tried to recover and explain but instead went in for a hug.... I was really baffled by this but because I was still side-blinded by the insults I let him. Then he kissed me. Er, okay. Now I'm confused.
After confabulating a bit more he asked if I did want to go to dinner after all. Like a right tit I agreed and we walked to a place not too far away.
Clearly a regular at this joint he swapped a bit of 'back-slapping banter' with the owner and they sat us in the corner. As was first I walked to the table facing into the room but his seat was by the radiator so he offered to swap so I could stay warm. Alright, I'll let him have that.
During dinner he said "I'm following the advice of my mum and brother". "What's that?" I asked, "To give you a chance. Normally I don't give women much of chance..." 'No shit' I thought, "I mean, this is a first." "What is?" I asked. "Dinner on the first date, I've never done that". Oooh, I'm honoured, maybe cause the rest of em walk away after being insulted! Hearing my mother in my head I thought 'Shut up Fiona, let the guy redeem himself'.
Even though he asked me whether I wanted marriage and babies n all that (another cringe worthy question in my eyes) dinner was alright in the end. Afterwards we left and were standing outside wondering what to do and he suggested I come back for a nightcap and to see his Kilimanjaro climb DVD (hahaha that wasn't just a line, I had said previously that I'd love to see it) and call a cab from his (conveniently round the corner). I stupidly agreed, and funnily enough, it was literally round the corner.
He got me a drink and stuck the DVD on. I've always wanted to do Kili and hopefully will do one day. I was practically moved to tears, it looked amazing. Anyway as suspected he made a move and we had a snog. But when he started to get carried away I said "I should get going soon, I have a huge run tomorrow....". Nick said "I'd really like you to stay, don't go". I said "No, I have to go, there's no way I'm waking up here tomorrow, sorry. I'd like to see you again, but I'm not going to stay, sorry". He got up and left the room. 'Eh?' He came back in and said the taxi would be here in ten. During which he carried on asking me to stay. If anything was going to make me wanna get out of there anymore it would be a man I didn't want to go to bed with begging me to stay!
Thankfully I didn't have to wait too long, the cab was prompt and I couldn't have been more grateful. On waving me off he said "Call me when you get in". I said "Okay" and left. In the cab he text me almost straight away saying something like he'd wished I'd stayed, yadda yadda. I replied and he replied again. Anyway, I got home and sent a reply to him while I was getting ready for bed, that I'd see him again and thanks for dinner etc. He then text "Well you did say you'd call when you got home. Doesn't matter then. Good night". I thought 'You're having a bloody laugh, right? Jesus.....' So I tried calling him, he'd only turned his bloody phone off! What a cock. Sorry for swearing but throwing your toys out the pram cause I didn't call, even though we'd text the whole way home, insulting me within ten minutes of meeting me, changing his plans and judging me within a few minutes of meeting, begging me to stay... Jesus that man would have been impossible please!
He only bloody text again in the morning saying he needed to "sleep on it" he thought I was really sexy and he'd love to see me again but it shouldn't be that much hard work. NO SHIT SHERLOCK! I just sent a short simple text back saying "I couldn't agree more" and left it at that.
Good luck to whoever ends up with that one. I wish I had cut loose right at the beginning when he gave me the chance, I'm sure the word drinks would have been waaaaay more fun!
Monday, 6 February 2012
Saturday, 7 January 2012
My Mr Big - Part 2
The copper and I hadn't long broken up when I agreed to let him come round to talk, and allow me the chance to have my say. When he walked in I couldn't help but notice that I still fancied the pants off him. Even though he'd hurt me so much. The pull towards this guy was nuts.
He sat down and I explained how I felt that the relationship was one-sided. He would come into my life and go again. It didn't feel like a relationship. I had this wonderful man in my life who had a tough job but cared for me and I wanted to show him off but he couldn't understand why it was a problem that I couldn't. He had a room at a mates place but due to his shifts he mostly lived at work so I'd never even been to his place. He didn't understand that me never meeting his friends or family or the fact that he was quite a closed book wasn't the norm. I was dating a complete and utter cave man. He apologised for hurting me and said that texting was such a shitty way to do it but just couldn't face the conversation. Quite like the one we were just having. I got upset and he came to console me... But the chemistry just threw us back in the sack again. It was amazing. As always only more passionate, more hot. Oh god.
Slowly things picked up again. But this time when we were together it was even more intense. Like we'd not seen each other for so long and we couldn't let each other go. It was quite casual though and after a while I just couldn't keep up the pretence that I was cool with that. And after a few months passed I decided I couldn't keep wasting my life on an emotional fuck-tard who couldn't commit (or rather, didn't want to) to a proper relationship. I deserved more. I wanted more. I just couldn't handle not being let in. The closed doors. Hearing things like "I don't introduce anyone to my friends or family until at least a year", never hearing the words "I love you" and knowing that I did and he didn't.
And so I called time. At least I called though, but had a feeling he knew it was coming. He didn't try and talk me round or fight for us (they never do), but sadly agreed that he was just letting me down and it wasn't fair. Why didn't he want to make it work? Why are men so accepting when the other person calls time? I am a firm believer in the fact that if you really want it to work you will move mountains to make it. I guess my mountain just wasn't worth moving...
He sat down and I explained how I felt that the relationship was one-sided. He would come into my life and go again. It didn't feel like a relationship. I had this wonderful man in my life who had a tough job but cared for me and I wanted to show him off but he couldn't understand why it was a problem that I couldn't. He had a room at a mates place but due to his shifts he mostly lived at work so I'd never even been to his place. He didn't understand that me never meeting his friends or family or the fact that he was quite a closed book wasn't the norm. I was dating a complete and utter cave man. He apologised for hurting me and said that texting was such a shitty way to do it but just couldn't face the conversation. Quite like the one we were just having. I got upset and he came to console me... But the chemistry just threw us back in the sack again. It was amazing. As always only more passionate, more hot. Oh god.
Slowly things picked up again. But this time when we were together it was even more intense. Like we'd not seen each other for so long and we couldn't let each other go. It was quite casual though and after a while I just couldn't keep up the pretence that I was cool with that. And after a few months passed I decided I couldn't keep wasting my life on an emotional fuck-tard who couldn't commit (or rather, didn't want to) to a proper relationship. I deserved more. I wanted more. I just couldn't handle not being let in. The closed doors. Hearing things like "I don't introduce anyone to my friends or family until at least a year", never hearing the words "I love you" and knowing that I did and he didn't.
And so I called time. At least I called though, but had a feeling he knew it was coming. He didn't try and talk me round or fight for us (they never do), but sadly agreed that he was just letting me down and it wasn't fair. Why didn't he want to make it work? Why are men so accepting when the other person calls time? I am a firm believer in the fact that if you really want it to work you will move mountains to make it. I guess my mountain just wasn't worth moving...
Sunday, 20 November 2011
James Hewitt (not the real one)
I had a date a few years ago with a guy I met in the usual manner for me.... anyway he suggested a 'nice' pub in Earls Court. I didn't know there were any nice pubs in Earls Court, but there ya go.
Typical me got there early. I went to the bar and grabbed a stool and the barman came over. The pub was pretty busy and most the punters were men. Seasoned drinkers some of them. Anyway I ignored it and instead distracted myself with how cute the nice young barman was. I ordered my drink and got my book out.
After a while the barman noticed my book and asked what I was reading. I can't remember what it was and it's not important anyway, we started chatting. He was nice, probably too young but really sweet. He asked if I was drinking alone but I replied that I was meeting someone but began to wish I wasn't.
Anyway the 'date' came storming through the pub door. OH MY GOD, as he walked towards me I noticed he looked like a scruffy James Hewitt. He had messy ginger hair (I swear it wasn't ginger in his profile pictures.... or was it?), a dark green wool jumper with a shirt under and I think maybe even chords, I couldn't look. He came up to me at the bar and said "Hello" and sort-of spat on my face as he spoke. EUGH, was that booze I could smell? Oh man.
Anyway Mr Hewitt ordered a drink, but I really don't think he needed anymore. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. What must the barman think? 'Crikey she must be desperate?'
I asked what he'd been up to with his day and he spat in my face that he'd come into town and met a friend for lunch. He'd only just left there to meet me. They'd spent the afternoon drinking. Eh? Is it normal for someone to turn up on a date half-cut? I mean it's probably not uncommon to get smashed on a date, I know a friend who got pissed on a date and fell asleep in the loo while the poor woman sat at the restaurant table for 20 minutes waiting until he woke up and came back all embarrassed (needless to say they didn't meet up again after that) but to turn up pissed and keep drinking?
Anyway this Hewitt look-a-like was really rude. He asked me what I did while I waited for him, and I told him that the bar man and I had a chat about my book and he replied "Ooooh you think you're in there". I really didn't like his tone and he was clearly too pissed to handle an intellectual chat, so after our drink I said "I should be getting home, I've got a migraine coming on" (trusty old Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card) so we walked back to the tube station. At the station he actually said "So would you like to see me again?" Bloody nora, I was so shocked I just pulled as really awkward face and said "Er, yeah, sure" cause I didn't know what he'd say if I said no... and tottered off down to the platform. But once on the safety of the train I text him "Thanks for the drink but I'm sorry, you're not my type and I don't think we should meet up again, sorry". I got a text straight back (I'm surprised he was capable of texting) saying that I was a stuck-up snob who really wasn't all that. Oooooh dear. Someone was feeling defensive! I deleted his reply and got the book out. Bugger, should have slipped that nice barman my number!
In the morning Mr Hewitt, while nursing his Resolve and sore head must have remembered what a complete tit of himself he'd made, and gone through the sent items on his phone and seen what he'd text me, because he text and apologised. He explained that he'd had too much to drink and probably shouldn't have met me. Well that was nice. He didn't suggest meeting again either, which was even more of a bonus.
Alright James, you're forgiven. But next time... have more water with your liquid lunch!
Typical me got there early. I went to the bar and grabbed a stool and the barman came over. The pub was pretty busy and most the punters were men. Seasoned drinkers some of them. Anyway I ignored it and instead distracted myself with how cute the nice young barman was. I ordered my drink and got my book out.
After a while the barman noticed my book and asked what I was reading. I can't remember what it was and it's not important anyway, we started chatting. He was nice, probably too young but really sweet. He asked if I was drinking alone but I replied that I was meeting someone but began to wish I wasn't.
Anyway the 'date' came storming through the pub door. OH MY GOD, as he walked towards me I noticed he looked like a scruffy James Hewitt. He had messy ginger hair (I swear it wasn't ginger in his profile pictures.... or was it?), a dark green wool jumper with a shirt under and I think maybe even chords, I couldn't look. He came up to me at the bar and said "Hello" and sort-of spat on my face as he spoke. EUGH, was that booze I could smell? Oh man.
Anyway Mr Hewitt ordered a drink, but I really don't think he needed anymore. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. What must the barman think? 'Crikey she must be desperate?'
I asked what he'd been up to with his day and he spat in my face that he'd come into town and met a friend for lunch. He'd only just left there to meet me. They'd spent the afternoon drinking. Eh? Is it normal for someone to turn up on a date half-cut? I mean it's probably not uncommon to get smashed on a date, I know a friend who got pissed on a date and fell asleep in the loo while the poor woman sat at the restaurant table for 20 minutes waiting until he woke up and came back all embarrassed (needless to say they didn't meet up again after that) but to turn up pissed and keep drinking?
Anyway this Hewitt look-a-like was really rude. He asked me what I did while I waited for him, and I told him that the bar man and I had a chat about my book and he replied "Ooooh you think you're in there". I really didn't like his tone and he was clearly too pissed to handle an intellectual chat, so after our drink I said "I should be getting home, I've got a migraine coming on" (trusty old Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card) so we walked back to the tube station. At the station he actually said "So would you like to see me again?" Bloody nora, I was so shocked I just pulled as really awkward face and said "Er, yeah, sure" cause I didn't know what he'd say if I said no... and tottered off down to the platform. But once on the safety of the train I text him "Thanks for the drink but I'm sorry, you're not my type and I don't think we should meet up again, sorry". I got a text straight back (I'm surprised he was capable of texting) saying that I was a stuck-up snob who really wasn't all that. Oooooh dear. Someone was feeling defensive! I deleted his reply and got the book out. Bugger, should have slipped that nice barman my number!
In the morning Mr Hewitt, while nursing his Resolve and sore head must have remembered what a complete tit of himself he'd made, and gone through the sent items on his phone and seen what he'd text me, because he text and apologised. He explained that he'd had too much to drink and probably shouldn't have met me. Well that was nice. He didn't suggest meeting again either, which was even more of a bonus.
Alright James, you're forgiven. But next time... have more water with your liquid lunch!
Thursday, 17 November 2011
My Mr Big - Part 1
We met at 9pm in a pub about 10 minutes from me. He was at the bar when I walked in, man was he tall. Well, 6'2" but from the track record (apart from the 6'7" guy I met once) that was tall. He was really well built too; not necessarily something I'd normally look for in a man but definitely an added bonus. When he was asking me what I wanted to drink I noticed his schnoz, it was huge (that's nose by the way)! I mean massive. So big, I could almost fit my fists up it...maybe. Okay maybe not quite but it was a big busted one that showed he'd played a few tough rugby matches in his time. I had to stop focusing on it! But overall, that with that and the fact his face had a sort-of weathered rugged look about it, it all worked.
The chemistry was there straight away, and the date, though not my ideal type of date (as it was just drinking), was really good. We just had a couple of drinks in the pub, hit a cocktail bar, then a club, because it was the only place still open and neither of us wanted to call it a night just yet.
In the club he flashed me his warrant card and badge, only cause I made him. He didn't like flashing it around. I thought that was quite hot, then I noticed his big strong arms and chest and....okay, I fancied the pants off him now!
The night ended back at mine. I know I know!! I knew that was a stupid mistake but I couldn't help myself. I'd never normally take someone back on the first date, and especially not if I wanted to see them again. I like to make them wait, ya know. I won't write any details but it was amazing, he was amazing, and with a body like that, wow. The night was fantastic but the morning even better, but as he left I was sure I'd blown it by bringing him back and probably would hear from him again. But while I was still in bed, gobsmacked by what had happened and gleaming with post-coital glow he text me saying he'd had an amazing time and wanted to see me again! I was so chuffed!
We saw each other again and again and slowly, very slowly, things turned into a relationship but due to his job and position in the Met his availability was pretty slim. He was also project managing the building of a house in outside of London too, so a lot of his free time was spent there. We dated for a little over nine months. The times we spent together were amazing. We never argued, we just had fun. But the weird thing about the relationship was that I didn't meet any of his friends, family or do any coupley things with other friends. He'd met two of my friends but that was only for a couple of hours because I slyly arranged for them to be in the same pub as us. I wanted to show him off, I was so happy to be with him, can you blame me? I only manged to get him for a weekend once and that was for a mini-break in Brighton, which was amazing.
But after a while I began to notice that my friend's relationships were moving faster than mine. A friend who met her boyfriend after I'd met the cop had already moved in with him. I was jealous. Envious. And after a while it began to show. I tried to act all care free, like it didn't matter but I mentioned the fact that I'd not met any of his friends yet, and he'd said no one would get to go back to his home town to meet the boys until after a year. Same with the parents. Not that I'm a massive fan of that. I didn't dare utter the L-word. I'd had a family reunion which I'd attended solo because he had to work, but also the fact I'd invited him seemed to freak him out a bit too.I often had dates cancelled due to his work cancelling his time off. This was so frustrating but I knew it would be like that. I tried to accept it and rolled with it. I made sure I was flexible and didn't take it to heart when I got cancelled. But he knew he was letting me down. When his shifts got really bad I gave him my spare key and we tried to work around it. I said to come back after work whenever he could. The first time he tried this though, he tried to surprise me by not warning me he was coming, but the surprise was on him because I wasn't in! Haha. I was out having drinks after work, and received a grumpy call from him explaining that he was just leaving my flat, miffed to find it empty. I tried to make him wait there for me to get home but he had a grump on and had left already.
After a while though he got frustrated with letting me down all the time and I was annoyed with him never being around and wasn't sure if I could really handle being the only single one at all family functions, parties Christmas and New Year...blah blah blah. So he ended it. With a text. Short and sweet. I felt crushed. He wouldn't pick up the phone to talk about it or to allow me to have my say. I HATE being ignored. It drove me bonkers. I HATED him. BASTARD.
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
Pros and Cons
5 things I love about being single...
1) More time for me (gym, shopping, reading)
2) Free to sleep like a star fish every night
3) Can walk around the flat naked
4) Girls nights out, they can be whenever you like
5) Girls nights in, same as above
5 things that suck...
1) No sex on-tap
2) Waking up alone/going to bed alone
3) Being jealous of random couples smooching on the tube
4) Having to schedule non-single friends months in advance
5) Lack of girls nights out
Monday, 31 October 2011
The Son of Satan
As I've said before it's SO rare that I get asked out in a 'normal' situation, which is why I've relied on the Internet. But this one week day evening just over a month ago a man got on my tube who I saw 'clock me' and I thought, 'Not bad, in a Sting kinda way'. He was definitely older, dressed in black skinny-ish jeans (not the emo kind), smart black shoes and a t-shirt with a blazer. Anyway the seat next to me became free and he sat down.
I noticed out the corner of my eye he kept glancing at me. I made sure I was sitting straight and not slouching half off the seat like a slob, and read my book. When the train pulled into the final stop we both got off the train and as usual I did nothing and walked away (trying to be uber-sexy and not stack-it, in case he was watching of course). Well it was more of a march really, I lost the ability to walk slow or stroll when I started working in London about 12 years ago. Anyway like something out of movie he came running after me through the crowds and in a nutshell said he thought I looked lovely and could he take my number!! Well bugger me sideways, I nearly fell backwards onto the tracks in shock. I almost replied "You talkin' to me?" Instead I blushed coyly and stepped aside out the way of the heard of commuting cattle.
I was so surprised and taken aback from being asked out by a complete stranger, he's got balls, I have to give him that! I said "Yeah sure" and gave him my number. I did a sly once-over while he wrote down my number and thought 'Okay, so maybe as he's older he won't be an emotional fuckwitt, he might actually know what he wants in a relationship and not mess me about'.
Anyway he asked what I was doing this evening, if I had no plans why not grab a drink now, no time like the present n' all that? I know, The Rules (that stupid old dating book some crusty old virgin grannies wrote to stop their daughters and granddaughters having any fun or sex!) says never to accept a date unless you've about a month's notice and all that but I just thought 'Why not? Beats spinning anyway'. So I said not much and we decided to go for a drink.
We went to one of my locals (I just love to shit on my doorstep), and got a drink. When Jesus (that's clearly not his name, but it makes me laugh to call him that) and I sat down I had to ask what his tattoos showing out the bottom of him sleeves were all about. I'm sure I spied 666 on one of them.
Jesus said "Do you want the long or short story?" I said "How about an honest one?" To which he said "So this is 666, my birthday is 6th June, 1966. And these", he said indicating to butchers hooks in both his wrists "...are hooks attached to barbwire". Shit, why didn't I see that! I asked "Where does that stop then?" to which he replied "Well, it doesn't. It goes up both arms and connects across my chest and shoulders. And on my back is a naked woman bound to a cross. You're okay with this aren't you?" Why didn't I say "Course not, I'm off, don't follow me" and leg it? What did he expect me to say to that? "Sure" I replied, pulling a stupid 'Don't be silly' kinda face.
Anyway this guy then pulls out a pack of fags and says "Mind if we go out for a smoke? It's been one of those days". So we went outside and sat down, he said "So I feel I need to explain about the tattoos then. I had a bit of a dark phase (you don't say), I was kicked out of the army, had a lot of knock backs in my life and was just generally very down. I looked into my date of birth, did a lot of research into Satan and the devil and stuff... ya know... I was just interested in it all really. Then someone suggested I express myself in tattoo art, so I thought I'd get it on my back. I mean, it's really arty, looks really good...but I guess it can look a bit scary to some. You're not one of those people that hates tattoos are you?" I just shook my head, "Nah, but only if it's not offensive" I lied. I mean, what I wanted to say was 'Oh sure, I'd love to be your girlfriend on a lovely beach somewhere when you take your top off and all the mothers run to cover their young children's eyes. That thing sounds like it should be rated 18!' Where do I find them?
He also went on to explain that working as a fashion photographer he dabbled (a lot by the sounds of it) in drugs (the white kind) liked to go on all-weekend benders that would involve getting home from one club on a Sunday morning,showering and going back out to another and has a child with his ex wife (she also dabbles) sesh a couple of weeks ago, followed by "I really need a big night out again soon, you should come with me, I'll take you to here, here, here and here...." Well that's three too many "here's" for me to keep up really. I said that while I might have the occasional cigarette I couldn't date a smoker either as I'm a push-over and would just fall back into smoking full-time again. He did the back-tracking thing again and said he only smoked when he was drinking, but someone who does that in my eyes doesn't carry a pack of 20 around in your work bag.
I told Jesus that I was really flattered he'd asked me out but I felt that he was changing what he was saying about himself to try and suit me more and that I didn't think we'd have much in common these days (I know, I was shocked I could be so honest face-to-face too) but he still insisted that his social life was less crazy than he was coming across. He said that he had Faithless tickets in a few months time and would like to take me anyway. Bless. That's a kind offer, but I sent him a text a few days later saying I didn't think we should meet up again. I didn't want to appear to be an ungrateful sod... face-to-face anyway!
Anyway... you thought that was the end.... nope. Guess who was standing behind me on the platform and tapped me on the shoulder, the very next day...
I noticed out the corner of my eye he kept glancing at me. I made sure I was sitting straight and not slouching half off the seat like a slob, and read my book. When the train pulled into the final stop we both got off the train and as usual I did nothing and walked away (trying to be uber-sexy and not stack-it, in case he was watching of course). Well it was more of a march really, I lost the ability to walk slow or stroll when I started working in London about 12 years ago. Anyway like something out of movie he came running after me through the crowds and in a nutshell said he thought I looked lovely and could he take my number!! Well bugger me sideways, I nearly fell backwards onto the tracks in shock. I almost replied "You talkin' to me?" Instead I blushed coyly and stepped aside out the way of the heard of commuting cattle.
I was so surprised and taken aback from being asked out by a complete stranger, he's got balls, I have to give him that! I said "Yeah sure" and gave him my number. I did a sly once-over while he wrote down my number and thought 'Okay, so maybe as he's older he won't be an emotional fuckwitt, he might actually know what he wants in a relationship and not mess me about'.
Anyway he asked what I was doing this evening, if I had no plans why not grab a drink now, no time like the present n' all that? I know, The Rules (that stupid old dating book some crusty old virgin grannies wrote to stop their daughters and granddaughters having any fun or sex!) says never to accept a date unless you've about a month's notice and all that but I just thought 'Why not? Beats spinning anyway'. So I said not much and we decided to go for a drink.
We went to one of my locals (I just love to shit on my doorstep), and got a drink. When Jesus (that's clearly not his name, but it makes me laugh to call him that) and I sat down I had to ask what his tattoos showing out the bottom of him sleeves were all about. I'm sure I spied 666 on one of them.
Anyway this guy then pulls out a pack of fags and says "Mind if we go out for a smoke? It's been one of those days". So we went outside and sat down, he said "So I feel I need to explain about the tattoos then. I had a bit of a dark phase (you don't say), I was kicked out of the army, had a lot of knock backs in my life and was just generally very down. I looked into my date of birth, did a lot of research into Satan and the devil and stuff... ya know... I was just interested in it all really. Then someone suggested I express myself in tattoo art, so I thought I'd get it on my back. I mean, it's really arty, looks really good...but I guess it can look a bit scary to some. You're not one of those people that hates tattoos are you?" I just shook my head, "Nah, but only if it's not offensive" I lied. I mean, what I wanted to say was 'Oh sure, I'd love to be your girlfriend on a lovely beach somewhere when you take your top off and all the mothers run to cover their young children's eyes. That thing sounds like it should be rated 18!' Where do I find them?
He also went on to explain that working as a fashion photographer he dabbled (a lot by the sounds of it) in drugs (the white kind) liked to go on all-weekend benders that would involve getting home from one club on a Sunday morning,showering and going back out to another and has a child with his ex wife (she also dabbles) sesh a couple of weeks ago, followed by "I really need a big night out again soon, you should come with me, I'll take you to here, here, here and here...." Well that's three too many "here's" for me to keep up really. I said that while I might have the occasional cigarette I couldn't date a smoker either as I'm a push-over and would just fall back into smoking full-time again. He did the back-tracking thing again and said he only smoked when he was drinking, but someone who does that in my eyes doesn't carry a pack of 20 around in your work bag.
I told Jesus that I was really flattered he'd asked me out but I felt that he was changing what he was saying about himself to try and suit me more and that I didn't think we'd have much in common these days (I know, I was shocked I could be so honest face-to-face too) but he still insisted that his social life was less crazy than he was coming across. He said that he had Faithless tickets in a few months time and would like to take me anyway. Bless. That's a kind offer, but I sent him a text a few days later saying I didn't think we should meet up again. I didn't want to appear to be an ungrateful sod... face-to-face anyway!
Anyway... you thought that was the end.... nope. Guess who was standing behind me on the platform and tapped me on the shoulder, the very next day...
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Speed Dating, Wine Tasting...
Earlier this month, well literally a couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine sent me a link to a wine tasting singles event. I thought..."Why not?" Now, who to drag along with me...?
This event runs at various locations across London and you can either attend wine tasting, cocktail tasting, or champagne tasting; all in the presence of fellow singletons looking to meet a certain someone. Not that I was getting my hopes up about actually meeting someone I might fancy there, more for the blog material really. I decided to book my ticket and go along.
I managed to drag a single male friend of mine along, thank god. Because when the cab dropped us off at what was meant to be the venue, we were a little lost. It was in a bar that was part of a huge residential complex and hotel, but we couldn't see any sign of the bar. There was a restaurant and swimming pool in there too. I know this because we got lost inside, trying to find the bar. My friend and I walked into the entrance to what looked like a restaurant/bar and were greeted by a member of staff who said "Table for two?" "Er, no... we're here for a... er... function?" I replied. By then a young chap who was also lost and following us around like a lost puppy found us, and a couple of girls were behind him. I didn't want to say "I'm here for the single's event!"
He showed us through the restaurant overlooking the pool, out the back and basically did a loop of where we'd just been, walked us out the door we came in and pointed up the other end of the road where we'd just walked, and said "It's in the champagne bar up there". My friend, lost pup and I walked around this massive complex and still didn't find it. One of my pet hates is being late and we were already 20 minutes behind.
We stumbled across it purely by fluke in the end, after doing a full lap of this place. I don't know how that waiter expected us to find it with those dodgy directions! Anyway on arriving we registered, gave our names, put on our sticky address label name-badges and quickly scanned the room. I knew this event was going to be light on the man-front because women's tickets were sold out (so 25 women there, my mate was pleased) and men's tickets were 2-4-1, so I wasn't expecting much.
My mate made my buy him a drink for dragging him along to this event, so at the bar we did a quick tally up. One group at the bar together included about three guys and three girls, none of which stood out. There were two girls sitting at a table and few more scattered about at the back. Matey-boy and I looked at each other with mutual agreement that it was going to be a painful night, so we'd best enjoy the wine at least!
Once everyone had arrived the host explained how the night would work. There were about five tables of around four or five girls, the guys (all aged between 24-38) were split into groups and were to go to their first assigned table with two glasses of the first wine, one for them and one for a girl, and sit at the table. The idea was that you'd have around 15 minutes in that group tasting and talking about the wines and getting to know each other before the guys take the empties and collect the following wine to take to the next table. We each had a score card (not sure if that's what it was called but that's what it felt like) where you'd mark the name of the person (if any of course) you'd like to meet again, your email address on the top, and any comments about them. They all got handed into the host at the end of the night so any comments would make fun bedtime reading for her! She'd then tally up and send you the email addresses of those interested in you and yours to those you'd selected.
Okay, this could work. I like the fact that it's not one on one, having questions fired at me. The other girls on my table were cool, and we'd already had a bit of banter before getting started. If anything it should be an alright night.
The wine boff explained his bit. He mentioned that on each table were questionnaires about the wines (which wine was from what region, that sort of thing). He held up a glass and started to explain about where on the tongue we taste certain things...and then this German bloke on the back table piped up (you'll have to read this with a German accent) "Excuse me, could I have zee glass of vine please?" "Sorry you will be asked to collect he wine in a moment, I'm just running through the demonstration", explained the wine boff. The other women on my table and I all rolled our eyes at each other and one said "Ugh God, wonder who's gonna end up with that one!" "How the heck did he manage to get in here anyway, he's well over 38!!" I replied. "But it vould be easier if ve had zee glass of vine vile you speak" he continued... "I'll finish the demonstration first then the wine will be handed out". That told you!
He managed to finish his demonstration and along came the first round of guys. On my right was a guy my mate and I called Flannelette Jumper Guy. And he had slight man-boobage too. Not great in that jumper. Opposite was a guy I thought said worked in accounting or banking, I wasn't quite sure. He didn't strike my fancy though. As there were a few men missing the seat on my left was empty. Great, no where to turn. So I got stuck into the quiz (out comes my competitive side). It was a white wine, pretty minging, possibly a Chardonnay, yeah, that's what I'll tick. The other girls on my table chatted to the guys and we all had a go at the quiz. When the host called for the guys to move on we necked our glasses and said our farewells. The next round brought a South African chap on my right, and a guy opposite I can't quite recall. The chair to my left again sat empty. The girls and I were wondering if maybe we had an imaginary date there as there was a bum shaped dent in the seat!
The next round brought The German, he plonked in the seat next to me and introduced himself. I thought I'd help the girls out by talking to him, so I asked "Hi, so what do you do?" He said he invests in the Asian market. I said "Well there's a lot to invest in, what in particular?" Vietnamese stock market, well I'd just come back from 'Nam so I started yabbering on about my trip noticing that he was investing quite a bit of time oggling my own produce down my top, and with really offensive breath I was expecting gratitude of the girls on my table for 'taking one for the team' here! Time passed quickly with that round, thank gawd, and as they left the girls leaned in and thanked me for steering him away.
The wine was flowing now and the questions were being filled in. I nearly forgot my score card! As I joke I ticked my mate as someone I wanted to see again (well, least he'd get one email address next week art the least), and in the comments wrote "utter cock (my mate)" just to give the poor host a chuckle when she reviewed the cards.
The guys changed again, ah the chair on the left was filled with.... Velvet Jacket Guy! A creepy long haired chap so nervous and uncomfortable in his own skin (and velvet jacket) I was worried about scaring the shit out of him. The conversation between us girls turned to the other events and I mentioned that there's a champagne tasting event based in Chelsea, Velvet Jacket guy said in a really uncomfortable nervous voice "Oh, er, I nearly bought a place in Chelsea". "Oh wow, where did you end up buying then?" I replied. "Croydon". Eh? Did I hear him right? "Croydon? Er, Chelsea, Croydon, Chelsea, Croydon,I don't know, it's a tough call, what made you chose Croydon?" I asked "Er, ah, I, er got a detached house". Velvet Jacket Guy was in the movie industry. What he did though I don't know. I would think him to be a bit of a liability on any film set, he was really quite creepy, and very nervous, poor chap, shouldn't have sat next to me.
The next round brought the only hot guy in the room, who I later found out was actually seeing one of the girls on my table, sort of. They'd had a few dates anyway but she said to me "I don't mind if you tick him though and have a date, really!" Aaaah how sweet. No thanks though, I'm not into sharing.
Then the round with my mate, and BOY did he hit it off with one of the girls on my table. The other girl and I looked at each other halfway through the round and said to each other "Shall we...er... leave 'em to it??" Ha ha. Everything he'd done she'd done and vice-versa. She and I later swapped business cards because she and I had something in common and I wanted to pick her brains about something. At least I'd met a potential drinking buddy/singleton if not a hot date. And hopefully my mate made a mutual connection!
By the end of the night the stragglers were all pretty sozzled, there was a small group of us left and my mate and I noticed Flannelette Jumper Guy was actually hitting it off with some hot blonde Doctor and was actually touching her arm. Crikey the wine was obviously kicking in cause he was SO batting above his station.
I handed back my score card and munched some of the free deep-fried nibbles served at the end and my mate and I skipped off (OK, more a drunken swaying stagger to a cab) to Soho for some gay-clubbing madness. Don't know why, neither of us are gay!
I wouldn't call the night a success, nor would I say it was a total wash out. I ended up getting an email the following week with three email addresses! OH! Who's were they............ South African (wasn't attracted to him), Velvet Jacket Guy (was actually a bit scared of him) and.... oh.... my mate. Because he was pissed by the time we left he panicked and ticked the box that said "I'd like to meet everyone again" because he couldn't remember anyone's names! Ha ha. He also received three email addresses, one was a cuddly journo, one was a musician with a lazy eye (who I think was quite cute) and the other was mine! The one we'd both wanted to hear from blew us both out!
So maybe the next one will be champagne tasting in Chelsea with some slightly older more eligible men. Who knows. Watch this space....
This event runs at various locations across London and you can either attend wine tasting, cocktail tasting, or champagne tasting; all in the presence of fellow singletons looking to meet a certain someone. Not that I was getting my hopes up about actually meeting someone I might fancy there, more for the blog material really. I decided to book my ticket and go along.
I managed to drag a single male friend of mine along, thank god. Because when the cab dropped us off at what was meant to be the venue, we were a little lost. It was in a bar that was part of a huge residential complex and hotel, but we couldn't see any sign of the bar. There was a restaurant and swimming pool in there too. I know this because we got lost inside, trying to find the bar. My friend and I walked into the entrance to what looked like a restaurant/bar and were greeted by a member of staff who said "Table for two?" "Er, no... we're here for a... er... function?" I replied. By then a young chap who was also lost and following us around like a lost puppy found us, and a couple of girls were behind him. I didn't want to say "I'm here for the single's event!"
He showed us through the restaurant overlooking the pool, out the back and basically did a loop of where we'd just been, walked us out the door we came in and pointed up the other end of the road where we'd just walked, and said "It's in the champagne bar up there". My friend, lost pup and I walked around this massive complex and still didn't find it. One of my pet hates is being late and we were already 20 minutes behind.
We stumbled across it purely by fluke in the end, after doing a full lap of this place. I don't know how that waiter expected us to find it with those dodgy directions! Anyway on arriving we registered, gave our names, put on our sticky address label name-badges and quickly scanned the room. I knew this event was going to be light on the man-front because women's tickets were sold out (so 25 women there, my mate was pleased) and men's tickets were 2-4-1, so I wasn't expecting much.
My mate made my buy him a drink for dragging him along to this event, so at the bar we did a quick tally up. One group at the bar together included about three guys and three girls, none of which stood out. There were two girls sitting at a table and few more scattered about at the back. Matey-boy and I looked at each other with mutual agreement that it was going to be a painful night, so we'd best enjoy the wine at least!
Once everyone had arrived the host explained how the night would work. There were about five tables of around four or five girls, the guys (all aged between 24-38) were split into groups and were to go to their first assigned table with two glasses of the first wine, one for them and one for a girl, and sit at the table. The idea was that you'd have around 15 minutes in that group tasting and talking about the wines and getting to know each other before the guys take the empties and collect the following wine to take to the next table. We each had a score card (not sure if that's what it was called but that's what it felt like) where you'd mark the name of the person (if any of course) you'd like to meet again, your email address on the top, and any comments about them. They all got handed into the host at the end of the night so any comments would make fun bedtime reading for her! She'd then tally up and send you the email addresses of those interested in you and yours to those you'd selected.
Okay, this could work. I like the fact that it's not one on one, having questions fired at me. The other girls on my table were cool, and we'd already had a bit of banter before getting started. If anything it should be an alright night.
The wine boff explained his bit. He mentioned that on each table were questionnaires about the wines (which wine was from what region, that sort of thing). He held up a glass and started to explain about where on the tongue we taste certain things...and then this German bloke on the back table piped up (you'll have to read this with a German accent) "Excuse me, could I have zee glass of vine please?" "Sorry you will be asked to collect he wine in a moment, I'm just running through the demonstration", explained the wine boff. The other women on my table and I all rolled our eyes at each other and one said "Ugh God, wonder who's gonna end up with that one!" "How the heck did he manage to get in here anyway, he's well over 38!!" I replied. "But it vould be easier if ve had zee glass of vine vile you speak" he continued... "I'll finish the demonstration first then the wine will be handed out". That told you!
He managed to finish his demonstration and along came the first round of guys. On my right was a guy my mate and I called Flannelette Jumper Guy. And he had slight man-boobage too. Not great in that jumper. Opposite was a guy I thought said worked in accounting or banking, I wasn't quite sure. He didn't strike my fancy though. As there were a few men missing the seat on my left was empty. Great, no where to turn. So I got stuck into the quiz (out comes my competitive side). It was a white wine, pretty minging, possibly a Chardonnay, yeah, that's what I'll tick. The other girls on my table chatted to the guys and we all had a go at the quiz. When the host called for the guys to move on we necked our glasses and said our farewells. The next round brought a South African chap on my right, and a guy opposite I can't quite recall. The chair to my left again sat empty. The girls and I were wondering if maybe we had an imaginary date there as there was a bum shaped dent in the seat!
The next round brought The German, he plonked in the seat next to me and introduced himself. I thought I'd help the girls out by talking to him, so I asked "Hi, so what do you do?" He said he invests in the Asian market. I said "Well there's a lot to invest in, what in particular?" Vietnamese stock market, well I'd just come back from 'Nam so I started yabbering on about my trip noticing that he was investing quite a bit of time oggling my own produce down my top, and with really offensive breath I was expecting gratitude of the girls on my table for 'taking one for the team' here! Time passed quickly with that round, thank gawd, and as they left the girls leaned in and thanked me for steering him away.
The wine was flowing now and the questions were being filled in. I nearly forgot my score card! As I joke I ticked my mate as someone I wanted to see again (well, least he'd get one email address next week art the least), and in the comments wrote "utter cock (my mate)" just to give the poor host a chuckle when she reviewed the cards.The guys changed again, ah the chair on the left was filled with.... Velvet Jacket Guy! A creepy long haired chap so nervous and uncomfortable in his own skin (and velvet jacket) I was worried about scaring the shit out of him. The conversation between us girls turned to the other events and I mentioned that there's a champagne tasting event based in Chelsea, Velvet Jacket guy said in a really uncomfortable nervous voice "Oh, er, I nearly bought a place in Chelsea". "Oh wow, where did you end up buying then?" I replied. "Croydon". Eh? Did I hear him right? "Croydon? Er, Chelsea, Croydon, Chelsea, Croydon,I don't know, it's a tough call, what made you chose Croydon?" I asked "Er, ah, I, er got a detached house". Velvet Jacket Guy was in the movie industry. What he did though I don't know. I would think him to be a bit of a liability on any film set, he was really quite creepy, and very nervous, poor chap, shouldn't have sat next to me.
The next round brought the only hot guy in the room, who I later found out was actually seeing one of the girls on my table, sort of. They'd had a few dates anyway but she said to me "I don't mind if you tick him though and have a date, really!" Aaaah how sweet. No thanks though, I'm not into sharing.
Then the round with my mate, and BOY did he hit it off with one of the girls on my table. The other girl and I looked at each other halfway through the round and said to each other "Shall we...er... leave 'em to it??" Ha ha. Everything he'd done she'd done and vice-versa. She and I later swapped business cards because she and I had something in common and I wanted to pick her brains about something. At least I'd met a potential drinking buddy/singleton if not a hot date. And hopefully my mate made a mutual connection!
By the end of the night the stragglers were all pretty sozzled, there was a small group of us left and my mate and I noticed Flannelette Jumper Guy was actually hitting it off with some hot blonde Doctor and was actually touching her arm. Crikey the wine was obviously kicking in cause he was SO batting above his station.
I handed back my score card and munched some of the free deep-fried nibbles served at the end and my mate and I skipped off (OK, more a drunken swaying stagger to a cab) to Soho for some gay-clubbing madness. Don't know why, neither of us are gay!
I wouldn't call the night a success, nor would I say it was a total wash out. I ended up getting an email the following week with three email addresses! OH! Who's were they............ South African (wasn't attracted to him), Velvet Jacket Guy (was actually a bit scared of him) and.... oh.... my mate. Because he was pissed by the time we left he panicked and ticked the box that said "I'd like to meet everyone again" because he couldn't remember anyone's names! Ha ha. He also received three email addresses, one was a cuddly journo, one was a musician with a lazy eye (who I think was quite cute) and the other was mine! The one we'd both wanted to hear from blew us both out!
So maybe the next one will be champagne tasting in Chelsea with some slightly older more eligible men. Who knows. Watch this space....
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