How Not to Do It

Sorry, I know I've been crap at writing lately.  But we had Christmas, and New Year (I'll tell you more about that another time) and now I'm in training for a marathon so free time is rather scarce.  But I have to tell you about this terrible date I had on Friday!

Nick and I had spent about a week emailing, then swapped numbers.  His texts were very frequent.  Some would be put off by "Thinking of you" and "Wish you were here" coming from a man they'd not met.  Okay it's a little bit wet but I found it quite sweet and he clearly doesn't have an issue with staying in touch like others I've dated.  If anything it just made it look like he was keen to meet someone and not on-line for a bit of fun.

The two phone calls we'd had were nice too.  Nothing major, not two hours long putting the world to rights or anything but light hearted and nice.  So needless to say I was looking forward to the date.  I was 'slightly hopeful' and positive anyway. 

I met him at the top of the road near a pub close to my work as I'd come from a work drinks beforehand which he knew I had to show my face at.  I gave him a peck on the cheek and as we walked down the street (which was fecking freezing) he said straight away "So do I look like my pictures then?"  I'd hardly looked at him as we were walking, and I was head-down to avoid mascara being streaked across my face and snotcicles forming on my nose but also, that question makes me cringe.  I gave a nervous giggle and said that that question makes me embarrassed and you can't just blurt it out like that, and laughed.  He laughed and said there was nothing wrong with it, we both laughed it off and I thought that was the end of that.  I tried to ignore the quilted Barbour jacket and city-boy swagger he had, I put that down to nerves.  I said that I'd already had a prosecco and a couple of vodkas at the work drinks so was feeling good. 

Nick had mentioned two weeks ago that he'd like to take me to dinner, he didn't normally do dinner on the first date but he thought I was going to be something special.  I said "So, where to, I'm starving?"  He replied "Oh well I didn't have lunch until four so I thought just a drink, let's go in here" leading me into the first pub we came to.  Not a nice pub either.  Feeling a little dumbfounded I thought 'oh hello, someones changed his mind about dinner'. 

At the bar looking at the drinks list I said "What are you drinking?"  He said "I'm having wine, a Malbec", I said "Oooh nice choice, my favourite" To which he replied "Don't you think you've had enough for the moment?"  Oh sorry, when did you become my mother?  So I agreed and had a sparkling water instead and we went to sit at a table.

He sat there, back in his chair, legs akimbo, leaning on his elbow on the table and said to me "You're not really like you are in your texts".  I said "Pardon??  How can you say that, you've only just met me?"  He said "You're actually quite cold.  (I thought, 'no love, I'm bloody freezing, but do carry on') You've been really friendly and funny in your texts and you're totally different now.  I mean, I thought I'd skip dinner, I'd normally just have this one and go, let you get back to your party, not wanting to waste your night or anything".  I nearly fell off my chair, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  Since when was it okay to slam your date in the first ten minutes of meeting, allowing for nerves, not allowing them to warm to you!!??  I got up and went and sat on the radiator and said "Maybe this will help, because you're not!".  He said "Seriously though, you're coming across really cold and I wouldn't want to spend dinner with someone who I won't want to meet again".  I said "You'd made your mind up before we even got to this pub!  How can you judge so quickly?"  He tried to recover and explain but instead went in for a hug.... I was really baffled by this but because I was still side-blinded by the insults I let him.  Then he kissed me.  Er, okay.  Now I'm confused.

After confabulating a bit more he asked if I did want to go to dinner after all.  Like a right tit I agreed and we walked to a place not too far away. 

Clearly a regular at this joint he swapped a bit of 'back-slapping banter' with the owner and they sat us in the corner.  As was first I walked to the table facing into the room but his seat was by the radiator so he offered to swap so I could stay warm.  Alright, I'll let him have that.

During dinner he said "I'm following the advice of my mum and brother".  "What's that?" I asked, "To give you a chance.  Normally I don't give women much of chance..." 'No shit' I thought,  "I mean, this is a first."  "What is?" I asked.  "Dinner on the first date, I've never done that".  Oooh, I'm honoured, maybe cause the rest of em walk away after being insulted!  Hearing my mother in my head I thought 'Shut up Fiona, let the guy redeem himself'.

Even though he asked me whether I wanted marriage and babies n all that (another cringe worthy question in my eyes) dinner was alright in the end.  Afterwards we left and were standing outside wondering what to do and he suggested I come back for a nightcap and to see his Kilimanjaro climb DVD (hahaha that wasn't just a line, I had said previously that I'd love to see it) and call a cab from his (conveniently round the corner).  I stupidly agreed, and funnily enough, it was literally round the corner.

He got me a drink and stuck the DVD on. I've always wanted to do Kili and hopefully will do one day.  I was practically moved to tears, it looked amazing.  Anyway as suspected he made a move and we had a snog.  But when he started to get carried away I said "I should get going soon, I have a huge run tomorrow....".  Nick said "I'd really like you to stay, don't go".  I said "No, I have to go, there's no way I'm waking up here tomorrow, sorry.  I'd like to see you again, but I'm not going to stay, sorry".  He got up and left the room.  'Eh?'  He came back in and said the taxi would be here in ten.  During which he carried on asking me to stay.  If anything was going to make me wanna get out of there anymore it would be a man I didn't want to go to bed with begging me to stay!

Thankfully I didn't have to wait too long, the cab was prompt and I couldn't have been more grateful.  On waving me off he said "Call me when you get in".  I said "Okay" and left.  In the cab he text me almost straight away saying something like he'd wished I'd stayed, yadda yadda.  I replied and he replied again.  Anyway, I got home and sent a reply to him while I was getting ready for bed, that I'd see him again and thanks for dinner etc.  He then text "Well you did say you'd call when you got home.  Doesn't matter then.  Good night".  I thought 'You're having a bloody laugh, right?  Jesus.....'  So I tried calling him, he'd only turned his bloody phone off!  What a cock.  Sorry for swearing but throwing your toys out the pram cause I didn't call, even though we'd text the whole way home, insulting me within ten minutes of meeting me, changing his plans and judging me within a few minutes of meeting, begging me to stay... Jesus that man would have been impossible please! 

He only bloody text again in the morning saying he needed to "sleep on it" he thought I was really sexy and he'd love to see me again but it shouldn't be that much hard work.  NO SHIT SHERLOCK!  I just sent a short simple text back saying "I couldn't agree more" and left it at that.

Good luck to whoever ends up with that one.  I wish I had cut loose right at the beginning when he gave me the chance, I'm sure the word drinks would have been waaaaay more fun!